Your Weekly Horoscope: August 8th - 14th, 32/52
Use your zodiac to determine your fate this week!
Leo (July 23 - August 22):
You will find your life's purpose. Of course, you won't want to accept that you're here to make your friends look skinnier, but at least it gives meaning to your secret binging.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22):
You don't truly believe that kissing the department store mannequin will bring it to life. But you don't want to take any chances either.
Libra (September 23 - October 22):
You will find that your household pet has lost interest in your affections - so put your pants back on.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):
You won't find out until it's too late, just how convincing a transvestite can be. Relax and don't berate yourself just because it was the best sex you ever had.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
Sheepishly, you discover that Head Cheese is exactly what you suspected, but you're way too vanilla to pursue.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
You're the funny person at work this week. Everyone will think you're hilarious. Now is a good time to try the old 'pull out the magnifying glass when the boss is next to you at the urinal' gag.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
You discover that inserting a catheter is harder than it looks, especially when you've made it from a straw and a helium balloon.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20):
It's time for yet another exorcism - that's right, you're speaking in tongues and spewing green pea soup again. Stop freaking out your loved ones and banish the devil once and for all.
Aries (March 21 - April 19):
Accidentally cupping your boss is not the end of the world, in fact, this gives you the confidence you need to finally approach about that raise you sorely deserve.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
Good news: if you don't have a cold - it totally doesn't count as a cold sore. Especially when it's on your genitals. Oh wait, that's pretty bad news actually.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
Yea! They're haemorrhoids - not a festering case of anal herpes! Funny how everyone you tell is still disgusted.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
It's time to admit to yourself that you only signed up for Yoga because with all the bending and twisting, you hoped someone would accidentally press their face to your groin.
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DEVIANT |
People don't like surprises, but now you can warn everyone about your deviant tendencies well in advance. | |
MARTINI WHORE |
Because really, waking up and finding someone you don't know in your bed is a great way to make new friends. | |
FROWNEY BOY |
Just because you're super cute, that doesn't mean you don't have fangs. Everyone likes a biter. | |
NGX NAKED LOGO |
Yea! Everyone loves naked girls, and now you'll have two naked girls of your own to enjoy at your leisure. | |
I HEART WHORES |
Who doesn't love whores? They're friendly, willing, eager even. And they've named their price upfront so no surprises later on. |
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